i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
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I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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