I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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