just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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