i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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