There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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