They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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