I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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