So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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