Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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