If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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