I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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