the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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