I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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