You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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