Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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