i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
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he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
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Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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