Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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