He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
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We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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