you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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