Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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