Already got asked if we're dating
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize