bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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i think i just lost a toe
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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