my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
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She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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