Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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