my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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