I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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