I wish I only lived at night.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
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I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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