dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
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Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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