Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
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I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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