that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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