If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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