i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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