i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
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I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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