she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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