its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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