Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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