yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize