Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
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I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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