My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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