I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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