i love accidental penises.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
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I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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