Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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