it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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