He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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