I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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