I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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