Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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