while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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