I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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