I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
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Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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